People tell me I am strong. I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t feel strong.
Every day is hard. Without you in my life, I cannot seem to find sense in just about anything. My heart aches always and in the last 321 days, I have not gone a single day without crying for you. For the life that we had, the life you had ahead of you, the life that brought me so much joy. It isn’t a record I am proud of but it is nonetheless. I feel like we always made time for our family and that we didn’t let time go. Maybe we could have done more. But the everyday without you is too much to bear. The small things… the mundane. I miss them all.
I think about watching you sleep. I did that your whole life. I miss seeing your stillness. I miss seeing your breathe. I miss seeing you clutch Teddy and I miss your aversion to comforters. I think about you sitting next to me on the couch. I miss you on my hip and I miss the mess you brought with you. You always had to have everything within arms reach - your gel pens, your paper, your books, Teddy, your phone, a blanket, a pillow… I think about you eating all of the jo-jo’s. I miss not getting any and pretending to be upset but really smiling inside that they made you so happy. I think about you cleaning your room. I miss hearing you sing along to your Clean Mix. I miss the excuses about why it took so long. I miss the mad face when you were just tired of it and I miss that reveal face when you were done and so proud of the work you did. I think about our car trips. I miss your face in my mirrors. I miss your laughter and your silence. I miss hearing you sing along to your music and I miss you getting lost in your books. I miss our chats, I miss sharing new music with you, I miss the silliness, and I miss our us time. It might not have always been fun for you, but I miss our time in the car because that was my time with you. I think about when you would cuddle up in our bed to sleep. I miss how you took over everything and I miss … oh Jordyn, I just miss it all.
I cannot understand why you were taken from me and I cannot understand why this happened to you. I just can’t.
I don’t think I will ever understand.
You are amazing and strong and kind and funny and smart and adorable and considerate and creative… and so much more. So why did this happen to you? You wanted to grow up to do something for this world. You had purpose and drive and I know you were going to make a difference. Somehow, someway… So why?
Every day people try to understand. And I know no one does. Even if you’ve lost a child, it wasn’t the same. The circumstances weren’t the same, your relationship wasn’t the same, your loss wasn’t the same. They say I am not alone but I am. Even Dad lost something much different than I did. He will miss out on different things and your absence in our lives means something different to him. I am not a martyr. My pain isn’t worse than someone else’s. It is different. I am alone.
I think people think I should be fine. That I should be fixed… maybe even that I am because I get out of bed every day. I think those people might have lost someone. A friend, a relative, a parent…. They miss their person, but they don’t think about it much anymore so they don’t know why can’t I stop thinking about you. They don’t think about the 13 years, 9 months, and 16 days I had you in my life every single day or the 9 months and 5 days I carried you before I even met you. They don’t think about how I dreamt for you and wished for you and loved the idea of you before that. They don’t think about waking up every day excited to see you and talk to you. They don’t think about our stories and our memories and all of the things we did. They don’t think about how lonely I am without you… my best friend, my baby girl, my oldest child, my heart all wrapped in to the most amazing person I have every come in contact with.
I don’t always know what to do or what to say. I have better days, I have fun sometimes, and I even laugh. It isn’t always fake either. But it isn’t easy. There is a facade that I put on now to get through it. I say things like, I am okay or it’s okay. It might be. It might be all I can think to say.
People I have never met reach out to tell me they are there if I need anything. That they are thinking about us. That they are inspired by the stories we tell of you and the person you are. That they can’t imagine what we are going through. That they hope we find peace someday. They are kind. They mean well. And I may be an asshole for saying it here. They are kind and I wish I could find comfort in thoughts of kindness.
People tell me I am strong. I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t feel strong. I feel like a coward. I am hiding behind so much it is agonizing. I am not strong.
I want to see you, I want to hold your hand, I wan’t to hear your laugh, I even want to smell your stinky feet. I just want to wake up and see you. To hear you quickly getting ready for school in the dark. To hear you rustling in your closet, putting your books in your back pack, brushing your teeth, packing your lunch, clicking in your boots on the hard floor… oh Jay, I just miss you.
I live in a world of what-ifs. What-if I never took you to the doctor… What-if you didn’t get so sick… What-if you could come back to me… What-if you would just be here and all of this would be forgotten… What-if I could see you again… What-if.
Jordyn… you have always been my dream come true. I always wanted a best friend like you and being my daughter made that all the better. I never ever ever thought I would not have you with me until the end. And it is so unfair. My soulmate was supposed to be here with me for all of the things… Jay, you were supposed to be here for all of the things.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
My darling girl… M