Looking at the Coming Year...

I wish you were here. I wish I could go back and fix it.

​While everyone is posting their 2018 videos from FB, I am so happy to see so many smiling faces and joy.

I am at a loss. The worst thing I could have ever imagined happened in 2018. I struggle with the duality of my feelings though. If I say 2018 was my worst year then I dismiss that 2018 was my last year with my Jordyn... and if I find joy in it, I feel like I dismiss that she won’t be with me for 2019. In 2018 we traveled, we sang, we binged, we laughed, we loved, we learned, we cried, we played, we trained, we delighted, we ate, we celebrated, we were tested, we found friends, we slept, we walked, we swam, we explored, we were encouraged, we were deflated, we were broken down, we were positive, we were hopeful... we did so much, we were together, we were a family.

So 2018... the worst thing I could have imagined happened and I am still so pissed about it and so sad and so heartbroken and so lost. But I had 9 months with my baby girl and they were awesome. They may not have been everyone’s best but they were certainly ours.

J- Dad, Logan, and I have not been great since you left us. We try to hold it together and we try to remind each other that we are there for one another but we miss you. It doesn’t feel the same or right without you here. I cry all the time and when I am not crying I am on the verge. I smile and laugh sometimes but mostly my expression is blank. I feel empty. I feel hopeless. Logan is doing well and seems to be “okay” but he misses you and misses his parents not being sad. And I hate that he has to go through this. I hate that his idol isn’t here to show him the way... Mostly I hate that you aren’t here to be you. You are the most amazing kiddo and what makes me know this is true is that I knew it to be so before you were gone. Mommy glasses aside, I have always known how special you were. I didn’t realize how many lives you impacted until you were gone and I am certain you didn’t know either... you were far too humble to see how awesome you were... another of my favorite things about you... I miss you sweet girl. I wish more than anything we could be together now. I wish you were here. I wish I could go back and fix it. I wish I could go back and find a way. I wish I knew...

Jay... I love you. 😘💕
Love, Mom