So, why did I take a break from adding to the blog? I don’t know.
Some might think that my lack of posting means I am over it. Others might understand that that will never happen. Still others might get that it is too hard sometimes to scour through the pictures knowing there will never be another selfie, another picture of her and her brother being forced to pretend they like each other, another picture of her for a school project, another first or last day of school picture, another silly picture because seeing her face makes me smile picture… (not that this stops me from looking and hoping)
And yet still some might say, writing about it is helpful and will provide an outlet for the release of all of the things…
I am sure some of them are correct. I will never get over this, it is too hard, and writing about her is helpful and an outlet. So, why did I take a break from adding to the blog?
I don’t know.
Every single night, for the last 1,025 nights, I have gone into Jordyn’s room to say “I love you. Good night, sleep well, and I will see you when you wake up.” Like I did for the 5,038 nights of her life, in some iteration or another. Prior to saying this, giving her a kiss, and turning off her light, I write to her. I write to her about what we did that day, how I feel, what is going on in the world… I tell her about a new song from a band she likes or just how much I miss her and need to hold her face in my hands and watch her squint her nose. This writing and this time with my girl, means so much to me and truthfully, it can be the bright spot in a crummy day.
I am not sure everyone who might read this will understand… and some of you might think I need to see a therapist (and you are probably right).
Jordyn should be gearing up to go back to school in a few short weeks… a JUNIOR. I cannot even believe it. She should be talking about what colleges she wants to take a look at and when she wants to take her ACT. She should be telling me about the CCP class she is signed up for and how excited she is to see her friends again. She also should be talking about what she wants to do for her 1-year remission anniversary. She should be planning our 2022 vacation with me. She should…
Writing doesn’t change anything. I am still forced to try and admit to myself that this is real. I am still forced to watch my son continue to grow into a smart, strong, handsome young man without his big sister. I am still forced to pretend that my heard is able to continue beating without her here. I am still forced to do all of the things, without her. So does it help… when all I want is for the four of us to be together again… not really.
Does it mean I will stop for good? Nope.