A New Year...

Loving those you love and being able to be loved back is the greatest thing about this life.

I always believed that the ones you were with at midnight were the ones you'd be with at the the next year end turn... So I asked Jordyn to come home last year before midnight so that she could be with us for midnight. We had a great time - played with confetti guns and made silly boomerangs that made us laugh so hard... And I knew she would be with me again at the start of 2019 because she would be 14 and she just would be. When she got sick, I still knew she would be here.

I am so angry that the treatment that was supposed to cure her took her... I am so angry that those who were supposed to help her couldn't... I am so angry that I was so sure she would be fine that I only focused on the future and told her that it was just a chapter of her story not her story.

Nothing makes this easier and nothing makes me feel like it ever will be. I know people have gone through this and have been able to come through it... but they weren't me and Jay... they weren't us. Nobody can understand our relationship and no one can understand the sadness I am going through without her here. No one can give me the one thing I want and no one can help me understand why she was taken away from me or why she wasn't given the chance to grow up... I don't say this to be rude/ungrateful, it is just my truth.

Your support over the last 3 months has been beyond amazing and I appreciate it so much. I only ever intended to write for myself. Doing it on social opens it up but I just want to remember my feelings and the "memories" from FB will help with that.

So as midnight draws closer, I find myself becoming sadder... I want her to be here with me and I want to know she will be with me next year and the year after and the year after... And part of me wants the clock to strike 12 and for it to be the beginning of 2018 and for her to be here with me once again so that we can figure out a better way or for it to be 2019 and for the last 3 months to have just been a really bad nightmare (as I have wished every night since she was taken away). I know that sounds crazy and I know I sound depressed and I am certain that I am probably both.

Enjoy your New Year, enjoy your loved ones and enjoy every minute of every day. Hug your people closer and do the things when you can. Loving those you love and being able to be loved back is the greatest thing about this life.