Taken for Granted
I think I took for granted all of the success stories. All of the expectation that she was just going to be ok. I worried, of course. But I worried because of her pain or because of what she was having to give up or what she was going to miss. Not that I was going to have to go home without her. I never thought my smart, beautiful, strong, happy, lovely thirteen year old would not see her fourteenth birthday. I trusted her doctors and nurses and I trusted the hospital to keep her safe and to care for her and to fix her so she could grow up.
And they let her down. They let me down. They let her family down. They let her friends down. I know they can’t perform miracles but they should have been able to fix her. They should have handled her symptoms better as they came and they should have protected her better from the infection that took her from us. They should have known better and they should have done better. She deserved better... she deserved their best. They failed her and maybe I did too. Because I didn’t push harder. I didn’t force them to do better - to not give up on her, to keep fighting for her. I didn’t know. I didn’t know that this was going to happen. I didn’t know she was going to get so sick. I thought they had it covered. They told me it was routine. They told me it was common. They told me they have been doing this for decades. They told me she was in good hands. But she wasn’t. And I should have seen it. But I couldn’t see it. I believed with my whole soul that she would be fine. That she would win. That she was going to be down but not out. I didn’t sit back. I was involved and I was there and I pushed and asked questions and I tried to get them to do more but I didn’t, I guess, fight hard enough.
And I don’t know how I will ever forgive myself. I don’t know how I will ever forget that I pushed and pushed and it wasn’t enough. She deserved more from me.
I wish so much she was never diagnosed because she deserved to grow up. I wish so much that she was able to fight because I know she would have won. I wish so much that I had her here next to me because she is my whole world and without her I just cannot find joy. I cannot find how to forgive. I miss her so much.
My girl is my best friend and I am so lonely without her.